Since I’m still a little hesitant to revisit the mind-numbing horror that has become the “Tribute Of The Year” review, I’m typing this review of the first two episodes of Voltron with a hangover and only four hours of sleep because it seems like a really good idea and maybe it’ll make me want to pass out again before I go get my ass thoroughly kicked by Swans tonight at the Roseland.
Here’s my thesis:
Voltron makes no goddamned sense.
I know, I know… you’re like, “But Mort, it’s a show about magical robot lions! It's not like it needs to make perfect sense.” True. However, not only is your grammar questionable, but even a show about magical robot lions needs at least a semblance of coherency. Shit just makes no fucking sense AT ALL. My guess is that the source material was too culturally specific, violent and lengthy, so the people tasked with re-writing the thing were just like “Pbbbth… fuck it. This is a mess. Let’s get shit-hammered.” And oh, how they got shit-hammered.
We’ve got problems right out of the gate.
“From days of long ago, from uncharted regions of the universe, comes a legend. The legend of Voltron: Defender of the Universe! A mighty robot. Loved by good, feared by evil. As Voltron's legend grew, peace settled across the galaxy. On planet Earth, a galaxy alliance was formed. Together with the good planets of the solar system, they maintained peace throughout the universe, until a new horrible menace threatened the galaxy. Voltron was needed once more. This is the story of the super force of space explorers. Specially trained and sent by the Alliance to bring back Voltron: Defender of the Universe.”
That’s the opening voice-over. While your kid-mind is watching awesome robots fly around in space and make swords out of pure light and shit, your big-person mind doesn’t notice that Peter Cullen is spewing raw word sewage straight out of his lower face hole.
OooOOooh, shiny! Huh, plot?
“From days long ago...”
Uh huh, gotcha. I’m on this shit.
“From uncharted regions of the universe, comes a legend…”
Stop. He’s just a legend? Has anyone even seen this motherfucker? Because that’s seeeeeeeriously imperative to the next two sentences making any kind of sense what-so-ever.
"A mighty robot. Loved by good, feared by evil. As Voltron's legend grew, peace settled across the galaxy”
No really, has anyone SEEN this fucking thing? What kind of robot is so bad ass his mere legend brings peace to the ENTIRE UNIVERSE? Depending on character designation, everything in known existence either shits its pants in washing machine destroying terror, or immediately ejaculates rainbow-powered dolphins and fluffy singing kittens at the mere MENTION of this guy. He’s gotta have mad robot bitches on his robot jock! (Robot Jox jokes, aka "verbal pantie remover")
“On planet Earth, a galaxy alliance was formed. Together with the good planets of the solar system, they maintained peace throughout the universe.”
Oh. Okay, so wait… what? Who brought the peace? Was it the legend of the robot, or… you know, the people of Earth and the other good planets who actually did shit? I don’t…
“Until a new horrible menace threatened the galaxy.”
Oh shit, I take it this motherfucker never heard of Voltron. Someone want to email this assjacket and tell him ‘bout a whole fucking bucketful of VOLTRON?
“Voltron was needed once more.”
Where the hell did he go? I mean bringing peace to the universe is no small feat, so I guess it’s cool he took a holiday or whatever, but how long did he expect universal peace to last? You can’t put five people in a room stocked with Totino’s Pizza Rolls, a high def TV and the known library of PS3 games without some motherfucker gettin’ socked in his jaw over what Call of Duty game you’re going to play. The universe is a big place. Eventually someone’s gonna try to run game.
“This is the story of the super force of space explorers. Specially trained and sent by the Alliance to bring back Voltron: Defender of the Universe.”
Well, he doesn’t appear to be defending shit at the moment does he? Where the fuck did he go?! How the hell do you maintain the title “Defender of the Universe” when five mongoloid non-robot lions have to go drag your ass out of bed TO DO YOUR JOB?
Alright, Lucy got some ‘splainin’ to do and the show hasn’t even started yet, so maybe this will start to not be pure brain rot when we get the ball rolling.
Annnnnd, no. We’re barely a minute into the show and we already have Space Explorers (technical name, mind you) who are completely incapable of discerning terrestrial phenomena from non-terrestrial phenomena. The Space Explorers are on their way to the planet “Arus”, presumably because that’s where the Alliance thinks Voltron is. Approaching the planet it becomes apparent that “something’s wrong” which is an actual Space Explorer assessment of the situation. Two highly trained astronauts debate whether or not Arus is being “hit by an asteroid shower” or volcanically erupting before they come to the conclusion the planet is actually under attack.
"I honestly can't tell if it's some kind of planet wide 'casual Friday', or if it's the second coming of
Star Jesus. We just didn't get this kind of training in space camp!"
Let’s just stop right here for a minute. Despite the fact that these people would seriously need to know their shit about pretty much every branch of science known to man, TWO, fucking TWO of them can’t discern whether the planet is being destroyed by rocks from outer space, or if a catastrophic volcanic event is taking place? I guess it doesn’t matter anyway, because it turns out some iron-balled dickbasket named Zarkon is laying waste to everything above ground. We’re talking about an attack that literally decimates every civilization on this planet in a MATTER OF ONE MINUTE. Seriously, I can’t even piece together the timeline here but I’ll try, because I know it sounds like I’m leaving something out or just not understanding a vital piece of the plot. However this entire scene is maybe- maaaaaybe- 2 minutes long. Here’s a breakdown of what just happened:
1. Astronauts mistake a planet-wide military strike for possible natural phenomena.
2. Astronauts deliver explanatory dialogue regarding a hostile planetary invasion instead of oh, I don’t know… immediately radioing for fucking backup.
3. We’re treated to some footage of several “weird attack ships” (actual Space Explorer jargon) and troops entering the cities of Arus, as well as a number of snakes and dragons who are apparently either part of Zarkon’s attack plan or simply being mind controlled by the dude. I’d also like to point out that Arus’ entire military defense force seems to consist of four terrified mice who were presumably obliterated in the enemy invasion’s warp speed destruction of everything in sight.
When you reach down into a pile of mouse droppings that used to be your best friends face,
you'll know what to do!
4. Astronauts finally DO radio the Alliance and tell them THEY’RE GOING IN BY THEMSELVES. I imagine the half of the conversation we missed went something like “I think we got this. Y’all just chill out and get some mojito’s or something.”
5. The whole planet of Arus is nuked by Zarkon. WHY DID HE SEND TROOPS?
6. Astronauts finally arrive on planet Arus.
7. Astronauts are immediately captured by the dude who just bombed the planet back to the corn age.
Here’s what I don’t get. Twice in this opening scene it’s mentioned that the Space Explorers have what are called “telescanners”. It’s later shown that these “telephonic scanners” (yeah, I don’t get it either, but apparently they do some kind of reconnaissance “scanning”) have the ability to detect other ships. If they’re that sophisticated how the fuck did they not know the planet was being completely destroyed by enemy forces at the onset of this whole ordeal? They couldn’t just “telescan” the giant fucking fleet attacking the planet? Not to mention the Alliance had no military presence in that part of the galaxy or even any kind of intelligence what-so-ever with regards to an army LARGE ENOUGH TO DESTROY A PLANET moving through what would almost certainly have to be Alliance regulated space? How the hell you fuckwits managed to keep any kind of peace without that giant magical lion robot for any period of time at all is beyond me.
So our heroes have been captured by a guy who is either an evil reptilian king or a space pirate (both back stories are proffered in the same expositional sentence), a peaceful planet has been destroyed in an act of unprovoked terrorist aggression, and our brick shithouse magic robot is nowhere to be found. Let’s check in with the military geniuses back on Earth. I’m sure they’ve got some kind of plan.
Nope.
Not even shitting you. I have no idea who these people are in terms of what their rank or role in the Alliance is, but basically these military guys spend about ten seconds making the decision to say “fuck it, let the Space Explorers fend for themselves”. Then the head military guy comes up with the most brilliant plan ever: Fucking Voltron! Voltron could totally save their asses! That’s seriously his plan. And here’s where I need about fifty bajillion Excedrin. Weren’t the Space Explorers on a mission to find Voltron? Furthermore Voltron is supposed to be on Arus, the surface of which is now nuclear toast and the Space Explorers are being carted to Zarkon’s prison planet which is “2,000 light years away”. Maybe, just maybe you numbnuts should send another goddamned team to Arus to get Voltron instead of relying on the team that just got captured to somehow escape a prison planet and fly an alien spaceship back to the planet where Voltron lives?! AGHKJAHAKJHGWG!!!!
How did I watch this shit when I was a kid? Oh yeah… bitchin’ robot toys.
Calm… Calm… nice cuppa tea. Got another seventeen minutes or so to go… CALM… CALMMMMMMTTTGHHH…
So, apparently the reason Zarkon sent troops to the surface of Arus was to grab some slaves before he destroyed the planet, which actually explains why the troops were shown marching into Arus’ major cities before Zarkon went all Fatboy and Little Man on their asses. That the troops were there to capture slaves could have been visually represented as it was happening, but whatever. It’s the only thing that makes any sense at all so far, so I’ll take it and cherish it and pray it blossoms into a big strong tree called “Oh, Now The Rest Of This Shit Is Intelligible.”
At any rate we’re treated to some footage of the slave ship returning to Planet Doom (which is seriously the most badass name for a planet EVER) and some dialogue about preparing the slave quarters and then we cut to Zarkon’s throne room. Here, Zarkon delivers some lines that make me question exactly how this universe works:
Zarkon – “Planet Arus is defeated and I, Zarkon, rule the entire universe!”
Hold up. You nuked a planet that had ZERO, and I mean fucking ZERO military force and that was the crux of your plan to RULE THE FUCKING UNIVERSE? How the hell does that work? That was the ONLY THING ZARKON DID. He blew up a peaceful planet and now he rules the universe. No one in the universe has ANY kind of weapons or bombs or military ships? Anything? For serious, a couple of spitballs and one of those paper clip launchers made out of rubber bands would give the Alliance at least some kind of a fighting chance. Here, check out this next bit of dialogue in case you thought that perhaps Zarkon just overlooked the Alliance’s militaristic capabilities.
Zarkon – “And with the capture of the Space Explorers, I need no longer fear the Alliance!”
That was it. The mental giants who decided to FLY INTO A PLANET WIDE NUCLEAR ENEMY ASSAULT with NO BACKUP were the ONLY thing resembling an armed force in the entire UNIVERSE, and they were captured IMMEDIATELY.
Oh, by the way, since they’re just sitting around in a dungeon like jackasses, let’s take some time to get to know our service-men, shall we? That way we know exactly how much asparagus to eat before we piss on their memorial:
Commander Keith Cogane – Mullet. Appears to be the leader.
Lance – Appears to be CroMagnon. Also mullet.
Pidge – Gay midget. How do I know this? Ascot and hairband. Vocal predecessor to Meatwad.
Sven - Incredibly racist Norwegian stereotype. I wish him to die.
Hunk – Fat loudmouth. When not stating the blatantly obvious, his abysmal attempts at humor are likely to earn him a blanket party.
I should probably mention another character that was introduced here named Haggar. She’s a witch and she has a cat that is unsettlingly interested in the arrival of the Space Explorers at the castle dungeon. Zarkon quipping “Kitty is excited!” is literally the grossest thing I’ve ever heard in a children’s cartoon.
"VAGINA IS LUBRICATED"
So now we learn that Zarkon has captured these slaves ENTIRELY for entertainment purposes. He’s built a giant arena and the creepy people of whatever the hell this nation is called all gather to watch the comically under-armed, potato-headed combatant/slaves get mercilessly slaughtered by the “Robeasts”. What are Robeasts, you ask? I don’t know either, so fuck you. The more pressing question is why Zarkon kidnapped slaves just to murder them for entertainment. That reallllly seems like a giant waste of resources. We’re talking about manned, intergalactic space missions to capture the slaves, housing and feeding the slaves, cleaning up slave guts, maintenance on Robeasts should they get damaged, etc. I’m not quite sure what Planet Doom’s chief export is, but shouldn’t the slaves be put to more constructive work than just getting liquified by the blue Robeast (who is actually more of a dark purple hue, by the way)? Shit, have the slaves BUILD Robeasts. At least that way you get some kind of compensation for their expensive, yet ignoble deaths.
Back in the dungeon, the Space Explorers have temporarily decided to take some time off from being the universe’s worst and only line of defense, and brute force their way out of their prison. Using a rope made of bed sheets that only exist because the writer discovered he needed them to, the Space Explorers begin to descend down the castle wall. Twenty seconds later they’re set upon by the GIANT VULTURES that were clearly visible from the prison window. As noted by Keith, this actually turns out to be something of a boon as the vultures deliver them from the castle to a… festering pit of blood and bones. Sven remarks “I’ll always think they’re beautiful” in his horrendous mockery of what someone who has never heard one thinks a Scandinavian accent sounds like and our intrepid spacemen sit around praying for some reason before wobbling off to do something else extremely stupid.
Not realizing the guards who frequently patrol their cellblock might notice they’ve gone missing, our bumbling crew of ass-tronauts (had to do it, I swear I did) IMMEDIATELY head BACK INTO Castle Doom instead of using the survival skills that the Alliance bigwigs have told us they’re so proficiently trained in to camp out for a night and assess the situation. The crew comically jump-flips into an air duct and, since they’re all masters of stealth, instantaneously set off a booby trap consisting of spiked iron doors and FLYING SWORDS that also attracts the attention of the guards. A quick fight through a few paper thin sentries and the Space Explorers actually manage to pilot one of the alien slave ships out of the landing bay. In a fit of brilliance that I’m sure he must’ve later justified with “Dude, I was just really in the moment, you know?” Commander Keith Cogane SMASHES THE SHIP INTO ZARKON’S TOWER, for a quick, “Hey, fuck you dude!” This alerts Zarkon to the escape and further endangers an already extreeeeemely dodgy plan.
Cut to Castle Doom. Zarkon is mega-pissed at a guy I didn’t even know had a name until now. Zarkon’s all, “YOU BUNGLED AGAIN, URAK!” and Urak is like “Yeah, my bad. They’re not terribly hard to catch though, so I’ll just nip right out there and grab ‘em right quick.” Turns out, Urak is actually pretty good at that shit and he hits the fleeing vessel with “ALL LAZERS!” which has to be the coolest weapon ever. ALL LAZERS is like a bajillion times more powerful that SOME LAZERS. You might as well bring a fart sandwich to a fight if you’re gonna try to battle ALL LAZERS with SOME LAZERS, cause that shit is weak.
Now, you’d think that maybe since this shit started making a little bit of sense that perhaps we’d be treated to a trend of shit making sense. Not so. Shit stops making sense quicker than you can push a giant business suit-wearing David Byrne to the ground and yell “THE FOREST SUCKED!”. A tractor beam takes hold of the damaged ship and… I don’t know. I’m real fuzzy on this part. Arus is like a completely different planet, right? So somehow, the Space Explorers are tractor beamed from inside the gravitational field of Planet Doom ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the way to Planet Arus, where they’re brought to the fabled Castle of Lions.
How do I know it’s the fabled castle of Lions? Let’s let the dialogue do the talking:
Sven - “Look, our power (I presume he means the tractor beam) is coming from that statue of a lion!” Immediately after uttering this phrase he’s beaten to death with a length of Norwegian horse sausage. Well, not really, but I imagined he was and I was immensely pleased.
Pidge – “Huh… A castle! I’ll bet that’s the legendary CASTLE OF PIGFUCK! No wait… I mean lions! I bet that’s the legendary Castle OF PIG-FUCKING LIONS.”
From there it just devolves into Hunk fisting Pidge for like an hour and a half.
From there it just devolves into Hunk fisting Pidge for like an hour and a half.
Then Hunk shoves about a billion sliders into his mouth and says something like, “MMMPHABLAPABLAB MOLTRON?!”
And YET AGAIN we’re told about how MOTHERFUCKING BADASS VOLTRON IS. I GET IT OKAY, HE’S LIKE A ROBOT SHAFT ON TECHNOCRACK. GOT IT. NO MORE PLEASE.
Then we find out that the witch with the sexually deviant cat broke apart Voltron into a bunch of magic lions. Why she didn’t just destroy him is beyond me, but legend has it, according to Keith, that if they can find all the hidden lions dens the lions will “all come together and attach somehow”. Somehow? What? You don’t know how they fucking attach? What the hell are you assholes doing?!!!!!! GFJGHAEJHJGKGLJWBB!!!!!
Ed. Note: I found Balzac in a puddle of bloody urine and this was about as far as he got. I’m pretty sure it’s the end of the episode, so here you go. I put him on some meds and I’ve ordered a dialysis machine. Once he’s better I’ll try to get him to crank out the review of the second half of this two parter.
